Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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