i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
