Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
