Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
