did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
