you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
