Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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