I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
