Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
