dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
