I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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