I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
