so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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