how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
