I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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