Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
