How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love having hate sex.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
