I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
