Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
