we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
