I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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