ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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