I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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