You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
