just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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