How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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