You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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