I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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