If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
