Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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