Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
