Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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