1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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