I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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