Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
