kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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