Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
