my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
