I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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