I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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