Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
