Define "chronic" masturbator.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
