so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
