I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
