just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
