i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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