I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
