I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
