Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
