im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
