I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We are all done wearing pants today
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
