omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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