We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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