Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
