oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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