I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
