I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
