You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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